Our daughter was 15 years old when given the diagnosis of anorexia nervosa what followed was chaos, distress and unearthing a whole world we knew nothing about. 

It was so difficult and for a very long time her eating disorder was front and centre and it led to many hospitalisations and inpatient under court order. 

Recovery is not just about healing the body it’s about learning to live again. 

It’s her daily battle to convince herself she deserves recovery. If an eating disorder thought sneaks in it’s like an echo that will reverberate pulling her back into the darkness.  She must challenge it Every Single Day. 

She has to act the part to be the part , she needs the people around her to believe in her recovery too. On the days that she cant she needs them to hold steady no judgement no pressure just calm unwavering support. 

She has to be vigilant to recognise when burnout is creeping in, to use her self-soothing not self-harming coping mechanisms and to recognise the difference. 

She has to not listen to the guilt that can come upon her when eating. She has to teach herself to block out the toxic whispers of diet culture the messages that swirl around her trying to pull her back. 

She needs validation not just for the pain of the disorder but for the trauma that came with treatment.

For the hurt that no one saw, the unspoken scars from the battles fought behind closed doors. She needs her voice the one stifled by the ED  to finally be allowed to speak without judgement without correction, just to be heard. She needs peace , peace that her future is no longer overshadowed by the disorder that her dreams are no longer out of reach. 

And in that her reward is the reclaiming of her life – 

A space where she can enjoy food, savor life and feel its joy. What was filled with fear now has space for other things. She gets to rediscover who she truly is not the anorexic she was, not the child she left behind but the young woman standing before her with all the possibility of the future ahead. She gets to reclaim her voice a voice that is hers not the eating disorders not anyone else’s. She gets normalcy again, she can experience life fully the laughter and the tears – yes, even the sadness.

Her recovery is not a solitary fight, she needs to feel held to rest knowing she is supported , she needs supports. A lot is asked of parents in dealing with anorexia and recovery and it is so very very tiring, we need a community to hold us up too. Our community was Bodywhys, CARED, CAMHS, inpatient, the paediatric ward, CEDS, school, family, friends and still it was exhausting…….

I am so proud and grateful to be her mum. I can accept now it was not my fault I can’t yet let go that maybe things could have been different