Bodywhys - The Eating Disorder Association of Ireland

Help & Support For Families, Friends And Other Carers

When someone we care for is in distress, it has an impact on us too. It is natural to want to help and make them feel better. It is not always easy to know the best way of doing this. A good starting point is to accept that only the person with the eating disorder can make the decision to change. The decision is a difficult one and it will be made easier if they know that they have your support.

Eating disorders develop as a response to distress with which the person feels unable to cope. Eating disorders usually develop over a considerable period of time.

Whether a person with an eating disorder is starving themselves or bingeing (eating quantities of food well beyond what is needed to satisfy hunger) and / or purging (compensating for eating by fasting, excessive exercise, vomiting, taking laxatives, etc.) changes will occur -

• In their body.
• In the way they think.
• In the way they perceive things.
• In the way they behave.
• In the way they relate.

During the time that they are unwell and as they begin to recover, you may feel you can hardly recognise the person you once knew and relating to them may become increasingly difficult. At times, you may feel confused, frightened, angry, sad, guilty, resentful, helpless, exhausted, lonely, desperate. Accepting these feelings in yourself and trying not to blame the person with the disorder is one of the most helpful things you can do in your efforts to give support.

If we understand an eating disorder as a way a person has learned to cope with their life, it helps us to understand why a person with an eating disorder is terrified. A person with an eating disorder is terrified of change and will find it hard to imagine living without the eating disorder. They will be painfully aware of the anguish they are causing you, even if they can't show it. They may be feeling a whole range of confusing emotions and may doubt that they deserve your love.

Supporting recovery presents a number of challenges.

For the person with an eating disorder, recovery begins with accepting themselves as they are. Therefore, your acceptance of them and your unconditional respect will be a source of invaluable support.

You cannot fix things for them, nor should you attempt to tell them what to do. Try to avoid second-guessing their needs. Ask them what they need from you. If they know, and they feel they can trust you to listen, they will tell you. If they don't, then that needs to be accepted too.

Their first steps on the journey towards recovery will take place in their own time and at their own pace. For you, this may seem frustratingly slow. They will need you to make room for their fear, their resistance, and their uncertainty.

Ultimately, in order to ensure long term, sustainable recovery, they will need to attend to both the physical and the psychological aspects of the eating disorder.

Especially For Parents

 

• Accept that it is not your fault.
• Your child is caught between wanting independence and needing to be cared for. You will need to communicate to them that they can have both and that they don't need to do anything to 'deserve' either.
• Don't overlook unacceptable behaviour. Limits need to be set even if they are difficult to respect. Be clear about what is unacceptable and why and allow any protest or resistance to be expressed. When compromise is possible, negotiate rather that dictate.
• If you have other children, share what you know about eating disorders and supporting a person towards recovery with them. Encourage them to express their range of feelings about what is happening to their brother / sister and to their family.
• Try not to let the needs of the child with the eating disorder overshadow the needs of siblings. Be aware that the distress of siblings can be very acute and is often hidden so as not to burden parents.
• Aim to be as consistent as possible in your approach.
• Seek support for yourself / yourselves whenever you are feeling overwhelmed or you feel you have exceeded your capacity to cope. Seek out and use the support services available to you to ensure you do not feel isolated. Talking to someone (a trusted friend, a helpline volunteer, a professional care giver) will help to reassure you and put things back into perspective.

"Eating Disorders - a Resource for Parents" is now available from Bodywhys.

Contact us to receive a copy in the post, or alternatively you can download the PDF version here.

Especially For Siblings

 

• Accept that it is not your fault.
• Try to remember that your brother / sister is very distressed and has not stopped caring for you.
• Accept that you may have strong and conflicting feeling towards your brother/sister.
• Express your fears to your parents.
• Ask for information on the eating disorder.
• Try not to discontinue shared activities.
• Remember that even though your parents' attention will be focused on trying to help your brother / sister recover, you are still entitled to ask to have your needs met.